It's hard for me to say...

It's hard for me to say...
How totally and utterly scared I am.
It's hard for me to say...
That I know that I cannot fix everyone or the world, but I want to.
That I cannot do or handle something.
It's hard for me to say...
No to someone in need of help.
That even though I am strong, I too am weak.
It's really the hardest thing for me to say...
That I need a break sometimes too.
That I need help even though I don't want to fail anyone.

I hate breakdowns but I cannot stand how childish I am for posting it on a blog but i do need help and I cannot risk putting more stress onto my mom who is ill and my grandparents who are way too far away to do anything and the worry won't do them any good. I don't care if people think I am posting something like this up for pity or attention, I know I am not so it doesn't bother me.
I am lucky, however, that I value my life more than death in these times because then I would have to kill myself again if I did ever do that, because even as a soul I couldn't "live", so to speak, with myself for doing that. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't mind people coming to me for help but I hate that when they do that sometimes all I can do is just stand back, helpless. I can't protect everyone although I want to. Especially when it is my family. I get so mad when people threaten anyone in my family, even my brother who acts like a king. I can't help it, it's how I was raised.
But now I am completely helpless, I can't protect my sister or my nephews in anyway. They live too far from me and all I can offer her is that she can call me if things are bad and I can come over and pick her up or take the boys or whatever so they are not in danger. But it's still so long of a drive that I fear something might happen during that time and it scares me out of my mind. You would think that all I have been through with my wacky family, that I would not be so freaked out but for once I honestly do not know what to do. It's just scary with all that's going on with her and her stupid monkey butt of a fiance` who everyone knows is cheating on her, cannot stand kids, especially infants(but has one), has anger issues, and is most times unpredictable. There is no doubt in my mind that IF he ever killed my sister(GOD FORBID!), that his mother would protect him and help him hide the body and stuff. I probably shouldn't think such thoughts when I am distressed like this but I cannot stop myself from thinking them.
I try to plan ahead and think of what to expect but I know that isn't possible. I don't know what to do and if anyone has any guidance or advice to give I will gladly accept them. Again I am sorry if I sound very pitiful right now and just looking for attention but I am really not. You never know who looks at these blogs and maybe someone who has been through a similar situation just might come along and see this and can give me advice based on their situation. Oh I don't know. I am too hopeful I guess.