how to deal....

Recently, my friend from high school and her husband--who for our own little reason I call them mom and dad--well they found out that they were going to have a bundle of joy coming soon (refer to an earlier blog post of mine for more details). Unfortunately, it didn't last. Only after eighteen weeks from being conceived, the baby died in the womb. Doctors don't know why the baby died but when it comes to things like this, who really knows besides God. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for her, I can only support her as best as I can. But I believe that things happen for a reason and that the only reason why it was not her time to have joy in having a child just yet is that god is looking out for her because he knows that there is hardships ahead that will make it harder for her and her husband to deal with a child. Or who knows what else it is. When the time comes for her to have a child, that child will be blessed with more love in the world than he/she will know what to do with and also that, that child will be even more precious to them. It may seem heartless for me to say but it is kind of lucky that the baby died so early on because although the bond and attatchment is there and strong, it's not as strong as if it died later on, like 6 month or 7 months, something like that. Plus they haven't gotten any baby stuff which makes for a blessing in a way for them because I know it would be hard after losing a child to have all this baby stuff set-up then to have to look at it everyday. That would be absolute torture.

Brother's are a pain in the butt.

I am huge on family togetherness and everything but it only works really if everyone else wants to be together too. We are really close but the relationship between me and one of my brothers is that of a chain saw and a tree. They don't go well with each other unless one is cutting the other down constantly. It's quite frustrating. I am bi polar but I usually have it under control but my bad side always comes out with this particular sibling. We are always at each other's throats and we very very rarely are not fighting with each other. It's just a Que for us that once we see the other, it's an instant fight. It doesn't matter what it is, we just fight about every little thing. It's extremely hard for me currently because the doctor told me I need to tone it down with the fighting and stuff because it's negatively effecting my health so I have been trying real hard to stop but it's a force of habit when we two are together. That and I don't take any medication for my bipolar disorder. I don't need to since the only one who offsets it is my brother and occasionally my mother. Some people just know what buttons to push that trigger it off, or if it's been one of those days I go off for no reason. But I refuse to believe that pills fix everything when they don't. most times they cause more problems so I most definitely refuse to take them. Instead I study and practice homeopathic remedies. They are much better on the body then all the harmful chemicals found in pills and stuff that doctors prescribe. Anyways, this was more of a rant than anything. Sometimes I just like to think that my blog is like a diary and I write whatever. The only difference between a diary and this blog is that one is public and the other is private. But people have bought me many diaries and I never use them for diaries, I write notes in them for everyday things and that but never personal stuff. I don't know why. I am most definitely weird. Maybe because it's too much of a hassle to try and hide a diary from family and I don't like how they can use it as blackmail if they did. I guess my way of thinking is reverse from most people. Oh well. I don't mind what people think of me really. It's their opinion.

boredum creations.

I got bored and I mean really bored. I took a sketch that I have and I colored it in paint. Here's the before and after pictures. Beware the color version is a bit messy since I was using basic paint and even though I was bored I was kind of being lazy too. anyways....

Before.... After...

This is a picture of my role play character that I use for creative writing enhancement. Her name is Ryoko Mitsirughi and yeas she has weird ears, that's because she is a wolf demon. Yes I am weird. Oh well.

Learning is Fun!

Or it might just be me who thinks that way. Currently I am not in school but I do plan to go to college. While looking for colleges I try to see how similar to my high school they will be as far as class activities, participation, and finding fun and inventive ways for you to learn.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

Fundamentals of Allied Health Class
Gown Lab/Day

This is Me. We had to dress up in gowns to learn the correct way of taking them off before going outside and doing the lab part. It was fun.

We first changed from the expensive cloth gowns to the disposable ones. Then we all went outside and had fun messing around, splattering fake blood on each other. It was to simulate blood or body fluid splashing on your during a surgery.

After that we had to take it off without getting the fake blood on our clothes. It was to practice safe and correct gown removal so as to not get any pathogens, bacteria, viruses, and diseases on us. Safety is Priority.
Wound Bandaging Lab/Day

We got to learn about controlling bleeding and bandaging it up using a fake arm attached to an IV drip filled with fake blood. It's designed to bleed the three different types of bleeds that can occur. I can't remember names at the moment but I know there is three of them. That was fun. Everyone thinks I look drunk in this picture. Do I really? lol

We had to pretend that our partners had several different types of injuries and then bandage them up accordingly. It would range from impaled objects to abrasions, to amputations and so on and so forth. This is me bandaging my partner and friend Alida. She's deaf so although she looks like she is injured she is actually just seeing what her interpreter was saying since there was an announcement, plus she was tired. I promise I didn't really injure her.

Eye Dissection Lab

Don't worry, it's a sheep's eye and it died of natural causes. Trust me, I wouldn't dare do this to a sheep's eye or any animals eye if it DIDN'T die of natural causes because I am a HUGE animals rights activist. This lab was to determine and identify the parts that make out eyes work. The eyes between animals and humans are no different except for maybe shape depending on species but still functionally the same.

After the first cut, I can't remember the parts so forgive me but it's pretty cool. There is a clear liquid in the eye that keeps that white ball to stay in it's place.

This is both halves of the eyeball but showing different parts. The right half(near the thumb), is the front part of the eyeball whereas the left part(at the top of the palm), is the back part. The clear-ish piece on the fingers was attached to the inside of the front part of the eye.

This is what the left half of the eye from the above picture looks in a close-up and after that thin layer of clear tissue was removed. This is eye pigmentation if I am correct. Pretty cool that this is actually in our eyes.

My group. Alida got to make the first cut, she had to cut away the fat tissue around the sclera that keeps the eye in place in the eye socket besides the muscles. Plus she could see the nerve that extends and attaches to the brain better than me since I didn't have my glasses or contacts and Madison had a hurt arm. Don't be fooled, those are not glasses we are wearing but protective goggles. Who knows what might fly. We had to keep that part on the eye as part of the lab.

I got to make the second cut into the eye. I had to cut the eye in half. Oh there was this popping sound then liquid pooling out. But it was pretty cool.

These are types of things that I look for when looking for classes, not particularly these activities but the class fun and learning things from experience and what not. Learning can be fun and creative. Heck when I tutored kids everything would be made into a way for the kids to learn it and not be bored out of their minds. Like baking cookies to learn fractions.

meltdown over.

I have to admit, after a good long cry which I very rarely do. It seems to have eased my mind a bit in some odd way. I am trying to set-up the best system to help my sister as best as I can and if needed as fast as I can(since she lives far away). it's still in its beginning stages so yeah...sorry for the public meltdown. I will leave the previous post up because I am still lost on some things so if you think you can help then please give your guidance. I will accept what you have to offer if anything.

It's hard for me to say...

It's hard for me to say...
How totally and utterly scared I am.
It's hard for me to say...
That I know that I cannot fix everyone or the world, but I want to.
That I cannot do or handle something.
It's hard for me to say...
No to someone in need of help.
That even though I am strong, I too am weak.
It's really the hardest thing for me to say...
That I need a break sometimes too.
That I need help even though I don't want to fail anyone.

I hate breakdowns but I cannot stand how childish I am for posting it on a blog but i do need help and I cannot risk putting more stress onto my mom who is ill and my grandparents who are way too far away to do anything and the worry won't do them any good. I don't care if people think I am posting something like this up for pity or attention, I know I am not so it doesn't bother me.
I am lucky, however, that I value my life more than death in these times because then I would have to kill myself again if I did ever do that, because even as a soul I couldn't "live", so to speak, with myself for doing that. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't mind people coming to me for help but I hate that when they do that sometimes all I can do is just stand back, helpless. I can't protect everyone although I want to. Especially when it is my family. I get so mad when people threaten anyone in my family, even my brother who acts like a king. I can't help it, it's how I was raised.
But now I am completely helpless, I can't protect my sister or my nephews in anyway. They live too far from me and all I can offer her is that she can call me if things are bad and I can come over and pick her up or take the boys or whatever so they are not in danger. But it's still so long of a drive that I fear something might happen during that time and it scares me out of my mind. You would think that all I have been through with my wacky family, that I would not be so freaked out but for once I honestly do not know what to do. It's just scary with all that's going on with her and her stupid monkey butt of a fiance` who everyone knows is cheating on her, cannot stand kids, especially infants(but has one), has anger issues, and is most times unpredictable. There is no doubt in my mind that IF he ever killed my sister(GOD FORBID!), that his mother would protect him and help him hide the body and stuff. I probably shouldn't think such thoughts when I am distressed like this but I cannot stop myself from thinking them.
I try to plan ahead and think of what to expect but I know that isn't possible. I don't know what to do and if anyone has any guidance or advice to give I will gladly accept them. Again I am sorry if I sound very pitiful right now and just looking for attention but I am really not. You never know who looks at these blogs and maybe someone who has been through a similar situation just might come along and see this and can give me advice based on their situation. Oh I don't know. I am too hopeful I guess.

Tell me more!!!

Want to read an interesting advice article about homelessness and homeless fraud. Really? Or would you rather read an advice article about suicide and it's pointless to give up. Then come and check it out on my other blog Advice Column. I promise you won't be disappointed. Feel free to leave any questions or remarks, I will be more than happy to answer them. Thanks! By the way, both the articles posted were written by me!

Brothers...So IRRITATING!!

Honestly, my brother thinks he is the king of everything and he expects to be treated that way...and when I confront him because I am not backing down since I am not afraid of him or his act, I get in trouble and he gets off Scot free. It is so irritating. But of course, he's not only the baby (not meaning age wise, meaning the last child born...yet mentally he is still a baby) but he has autism and hemophilia...OK my mom needs to get it through her head, yes he has autism but it's espers syndrome which is a very...I guess mild case of autism. It's like the smallest version of it. And his hemophilia should not come into play unless I hit him. For those who don't know what hemophilia is it's a genetic blood disorder passed from the mother via a mutant gene/chromosome. Usually only happens in families that are descendant of Queen Victoria (like we are) or for those later families that just marry into each other hence causing and creating the mutant gene. If you want to learn more about hemophilia then I believe you can find the information out at The National Hemophilia Foundation (NHF). I know I am a very family oriented person but that's not right. We are told not to treat him different or special because his illnesses/disorders don't really hinder anything in his life then why should my parents?(<---more or less rhetorical). Just a random vent that I felt like I had to do...well not had to but yeah you probably get what I mean.
[Credit for the picture belongs to fotosearch.com.]

Hanging out...

I went and hung out with an old friend of mine. Even though it was just a hang out with a friend sort of thing, I got..I think the term is "all dolled up." I don't know sometimes I am just like to dress up and put make up on. I guess I was trying to make a good impression since I hadn't seen this friend in a long time or maybe just because I have been cooped up in the house helping out with my mom and the house duties...I don't know. Anyways, he took me to the movies although I insisted I pay, because he just broke up with his girlfriend and we went there to cheer him up. Anyways, he won that part and paid for me and him....not fair, but he's sweet. We went and say the movie "Hotel for Dogs." It was a really good movie and I won't ruin it for anyone but if you get a chance go and see that. [Movie poster credit belongs to empiremovies.com]

It's not just today that I am excited about, I have been hanging out with more of my old friends and talking to a lot of them and it's been really nice to be doing that again. It's been really great seeing everyone again. Although there are still those old troubles coming up with certain friends that can never be in the same room but they don't fight because they are such a good friend. I try not to put them in the same room because I don't want to force them to be there but if they choose to stay and put up with it and set aside their disputes to deal with later then that's their choice. I am grateful to have good friends.

I was really worried because my mom has been on new medication and they have been giving her small seizure like tremors and I was worried about leaving for multiple reasons but I am glad that she made me leave. I mean it's not like I didn't want to go and hang out with my friends it's just hard to do when your whole life is your family and family is the first and foremost priority, that if I were to leave, it feels like I am letting not only myself down by my mom. I was really hesitant to leave her when she's adapting to her new medication because being the way I was raised I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something were to happen while I was away...but I know that some things are out of my control and things happen for a reason and I can't doddle on things that may or may not happen.

But enough of that bad feelings, I am glad that I went today and hung out with my friend. It was even more rewarding to see him cheer up. After the movie we came to my house and talked and watched "I, Robot." We just couldn't seem to get enough of watching movies..hehehe. I was surprised because as it turns out, I was more tired than I felt and I ended up falling asleep, using his shoulder as a pillow and when I woke up I freaked out because I never fall asleep when I have company over. I was so embarrassed.. He was so sweet though, he stayed there so I could sleep because he didn't want to wake me up and also he didn't want to leave without saying a proper goodbye. When I did wake up he just smiled and asked if I had a good sleep, even if it was only for about 2 hours. He's a really good friend and I am lucky to have him as one. He still stayed for a bit longer after I woke up and we talked some more before I finally had to send him on his way because it was getting late and although we are adults--well young adults--guidelines need to be set...or am I just really old fashioned? Well for some reason I don't think I chose the right word...guidelines just doesn't seem to fit there but I can't think of the word I was meaning to say...oh well. When I do I will have to change it.

[Picture courtesy of 123rf.com.All credit for the friends in holding hands picture belongs solely to them.]

Reconnecting

I was going through my phone just searching through the names of people that I remember or numbers that strike something familiar in my mind. I ended up calling several people who I was so close to in high school but since graduation, we haven't kept in contact all that much. We all had a nice long chat (of course seperately) and are vowing to keep in touch but that might prove harder than it is to say. We are all busy so it's fine if we can at least have a long chat every now and again, if not small ones will do fine. It's just exhilarating to catch up with old friends again.

It really sucks when you have a number in your phone and the name is either a nickname or an abbreviation and you don't know who the heck you are calling but you want to see who it is. That's tough trying not to sound like an idiot on the phone. Oh well, humiliation is good for the body and soul. Just not too much at once then it's torture. I encourage people to go through their phones at least once a week and call or text several people and just talk to them. That way you don't lose contact with important people.
[Picture Courtesy of telephoneart.com.
All credit for the picture goes to them and I do not claim it as my own.
Besides, this is NOT the type of phone I have.]